Parenting Journey
I pulled up to the high school to pick up my son, Nick. We had a scheduled doctor appointment that afternoon. For some mysterious reason, a tumor had developed in his ankle and the Doctor had referred us to an Oncologist at City of Hope, one of the best cancer treating hospitals in the country. As you can imagine, I was riddled with anxiety. What could this be? The mind jumps to all kinds of conclusions in a time like this.
I waited and waited for him to come out of the front of the school. I had given him a note that morning saying he needed to be picked up early. How could he possibly forget about such an important appointment? I called his cell phone. No answer. Finally, I called the front office and they said they would check for me.
Within minutes, the front of the high school door opened and out walked the Vice Principal, Mr. Kim, and behind him was Nick. He told Nick to get in the car and that he wanted to talk with me. My heart started racing. What could this be about?
“Mrs. Unruh, we have had a problem with your son that you need to know about. Yesterday, during lunch hour, Nick was caught smoking pot in a truck with several other students on school property. All five boys have been suspended from school for one week.”
“You have got to be kidding. You can’t be serious. Nick is a good kid. I have raised him in the church. He’s active in youth group. In fact, I am one of the pastors.” As if those disclosures would make my son immune from influences of drugs.
Mr. Kim looked at me with such sympathetic eyes, but then proceeded to tell me, “There’s more.” I looked down at the ground, trying to hide my tears. I had to get to the doctor appointment where I would be finding out if my son had cancer in a tumor in his foot. That alone was all I could possibly handle at that moment.
“What do you mean, there’s more?”
“During that same lunch hour, those boys sold some pot to a younger student. That student was your other son, Erik. He is also suspended for one week.”
By this time, I was full on sobbing. This could not be happening. We were aware of some drug use by Nick earlier on in high school. After that bust, he and I had gone through a court-ordered drug awareness group for 6 weeks. I thought he had learned from that. How naive I was as a parent.
I was able to get a grip enough to tell Mr. Kim I was sorry for his trouble, that I would have my husband pick up Erik, and that I had to get Nick to a doctor appointment.
There was complete silence in the car for the first 20 minutes as I drove. I could not hold back the tears. I felt angry, hurt, disappointment, failure as a mother. After 20 minutes, Nick tried to apologize. I couldn’t hear it. My mind returned to the tumor in the ankle.
The following days were agony for me. We had to wait for the MRI results. Both boys were home doing nothing for 7 days. I was supposed to speak at a church Women’s Retreat. I had to cancel. I could not pull it together. What was sad, and still makes me cringe, is that I think what I felt mostly at that time was shame. It was my own reputation I was worried about. Yes, I was concerned for my kids – where this drug abuse would lead them but this experience had deeply crushed my dreams and aspirations of having kids who loved Jesus, who loved going to church, who were leaders in school and on their sports teams. At the time, I neglected to truly KNOW them – what was behind the experimentation of drugs and alcohol.
Looking back now, I know how the story ended. Nick did not have cancer, although he did go through an operation to have the tumor removed. The Suspension for drugs was NOT the worst thing that happened. There had been the call from stores that my boys had been caught shoplifting. And then there was the DUI. And the call AGAIN from the high school that Erik would be expelled from that school due to his second drug offense. The call from jail for inappropriate behavior due to intoxication. And the call I will never forget – having to go to Dodger Stadium where Erik was held due to drinking as a minor.
At one point during these teenage years, I remember praying, “Lord, just let them live.” How sad a mother’s prayer that is – to not have higher hopes and dreams for her boys than that.
In the years that followed, I was able to let go of my own pride and shame and pray more earnestly and fervently for God to reach them. Little did I know that it would take the news of our divorce to turn Nick around, realizing that he needed to be a role model for his younger brothers. For Erik, it was someone in his second year of college who reached out to him and said, “Why are you wasting your life, man?” This friend and fellow student pursued Erik, drawing him into godly friendship and community, which is truly what he had longed for all along.
For me, the end of the story was good, beyond my expectations and prayers. Whoever says parenting is easy or without struggle or anguish is fooling themselves. It is the hardest thing God has ever asked me to do. It involves heartbreak beyond words, sadness and crying long into the night. It involves humility, asking for prayer numerous times. Along the way, I learned how much I needed the support and help from other mothers that could empathize and hold me up. How I desperately depended on members of my family to pray and hold close, the failures and the joys. We cannot take this journey alone. It truly does take a village.
